Refinding my Why

Since September 2021, I have been working hard, building an indigenous, intergrated maternal & infant wellbeing service, that blended clinical, non-clinical and traditional healing. As a western trained, registered and experienced midwife, I have the clinical experience, expertise and networks to support this important wellbeing programme to serve our community from before birth. There is so much research that supports the investment of the first 2000 days of a child's development, starting at conception. This directly includes the wellbeing of the child's mama and family. This work I am so passionate about!

Recently though, whilst focusing on helping another clinician, providing clinical oversight to the service, supporting the establishment of our clinical infant wellbeing and traditional healing service, and practising midwifery to support a caseload we inherited... it took four months for me to crack.

The signs of burnout can differ, and unfortunately, this is not my first experience of burnout. During a recent conversation with a registered counsellor, they explained that once you've experienced burnout, you will reach burnout again, quicker and quicker.

This year, I have been so busy deep within the trenches of rebuilding a service that I would want my daughter to be apart of and access to ensure she would flourish, i have also encountered revealing experiences about other people, and reflecting upon that no matter how much I give, the goal posts are always shifted.

As a working mama, I realise the sacrifice my tamariki and whānau have endured. The calling of midwifery is very sacred, and those you serve often come before your own whānau. Which is sooo backwards, but to a Midwife it is just a way of life. I have missed my own tamariki birthdays and whānau celebrations, because I'm on-call. Many midwives marriages suffer and their families breakdown. The life of a midwife can become lonely.

As a mama of 5 tamariki and married to my long term partner, I have done the ground work, serving our community and my focus now, is on raising my own whānau and investing my half into my marriage. I have often said to colleagues worried about workplace drama, "only truly care about those that will cry over your tupapaku (body) or at your burial place". This is to put into perspective, of what/who really matters.

I am so proud of what I have achieved in the last 30 months, working for my tribe. I have clinically led two pilot government funded programmes and was able to grow my service, I gave birth to my 5th pēpi and networked with her in tow, successfully gained Kahu Taurima funding 2 years in a row, supported the ACC accreditation of our traditional healer and streamlined our midwifery service, which extends from gisborne to just past the East Cape. Featuring in 100 Māori Leaders, IMAC wellchild newsletter and seeing the continued development Tapu whilst Hapū, I gifted to FASD, working with Te Aukume a Hine te Iwaiwa and Hāpai te Hauora to produce Mātātuhi Whakatere a Hine te Iwaiwa.

I am no stranger to hard work, I believe in work hard, play hard and this year has been full of challenges, without many opportunities to refill the tank.

As I process what got me here (me), I am focusing on re-prioritizing my own goals, aspirations and boundaries.

Memo(ries) flicker into my mind, encouraging me to re-focus on Kia Kaha Mama and knowing that what I have been able to achieve in the last 30 months, increase my financial renumeration 10 fold - that brings me some much reminded "who do you think you are!". I am... abundance... beeiiitch!

My life is mine. I am the author. I am the architect. I am the manifestor and creator of my reality.

I have been reviewing my astrological placements and I ain't gonna lie, I am seriously considering affliate marketing to create a better work life balance, as my aspiration is to be a more present mama and invest into the cultural and social fabric of my own whānau, creating memories.

The only person who is going to save me, is myself. No one else is going to walk in my shoes. This is my roar, to reclaim myself and straighten my crown.

If this helps another boss babe baddie pick herself up to believe in herself, re-evaluate her priorities and reclaim her confidence to wake up and slay another day, then my journey in pausing and re-finding my why, was all worth pouring out into this blog!

P.s..I am excited to be back in this space!